desir

 A resist to accept life as it is; I blur it out with the sound of busy lights. It is a strange and enigmatic way of the world that makes me reach for it again and again like a greedy, thirsty old man. With a look of disdain, I hold thousands of agonies that dwell on something that might have been. I cannot tame it down—my intense obsession with all I could have been and all I might be—I crammed it into my birthday wishes. And to sit with the immeasurable void is to feel the weight of my desire crashing on me. To rise from this horror—even this cannot make one happy. 

'a protest against the horrible inclemency of life'